You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize