Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I think my nap took me to another dimension
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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