Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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