I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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