My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
