ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
