his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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