Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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