when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
