Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
