just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
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