believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
