Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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