I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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