Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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