She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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