Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
