i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
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