last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
