I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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