I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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