Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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