Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
