tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
