Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
