I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
