You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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