Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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