Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
