His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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