Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
