He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
