I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
