ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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