I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
