The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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