I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He? As in you personified your dick?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
