Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
