I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just threw up on my dentist
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
