Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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