seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize