I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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