One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My vagina just clenched in fear
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
