I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
