Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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