My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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