im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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