How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
