why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
no you cant smoke seaweed
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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