i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
