he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
