you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
