theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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