It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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