Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize