i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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