sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize