If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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