i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
