holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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