You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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