my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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